A week ago, I moved into my dorm! It's been pretty busy since then, since there's been welcome events
for freshman and I've been hanging out with hallmates friends, but here are some of the
highlights of the week:
Classes start tomorrow, and I'm very excited (ignoring the whole scheduling problem). I'm taking a nice mix of major and core classes across disciplines, so I hopefully won't be exhausted by any one subject.
So, previously I mentioned the media studies professor swap. I managed to get out of that class and into a literary studies class, which is super exciting! I'm looking forward to studying the history and theory of literature in a formal setting, finally. I have heard the professor is a very harsh grader on essays, which make up most of our grade, but weirdly enough, as much as I should care about getting a good grade, I'm excited to get my ass kicked while essay writing for once in my life.
My other introductory major class is pretty much an introduction to cultural studies and analysis (Harold Bloom would drop dead). I'm particularly interested in this one because most of what we'll be reading this semester is theory!! I've had the opportunity to explore theory in related subjects in the past, and while it was cool, I didn't dive as deep as I could've. The first essay took me an hour and a half to read (it was ten pages long) and it was awesome. It was mostly about the history of cultural studies as a discipline, but it really got me thinking about the place of the humanities in the world; while their impact may not be as obvious as something like science, they still are beneficial to society. The professor is also really cool and I want to take more classes with him in the future. Unfortunately, I haven't found anyone else in my major who appreciates dense, long-winded theoretical essays yet. But surely they exist?
French, on the other hand, was kind of a disaster. I was't really prepared to immediately be thrown into the deep end, even though it makes sense. The second class was less scary though, and I am now stuck in it for the rest of the semester, so I'll probably improve. I am determined to learn French and will try my best (though it's hard to participate with how quickly some people are willing to speak up)!!
The rest of my classes are cool as well, though there isn't really much to talk about. Also, I now drink coffee twice a day. Whoops.
Reading theory every day is starting to become exhausting. I really enjoy it and do not mind spending a large amount of time on it, but my attention span is short and I feel like I keep misinterpreting it in my discussion posts. I think I'll get better eventually, but for now, it's kind of demoralizing, especially because I want to get to know my professors and it feels hard because I don't feel "good" enough.
In better news, reading theory has caused me to reflect more on humanities education--partially because of some of the concepts presented in the texts, and partially because of texts themselves, and partially because of other outside factors. Today we discuss the idea of the commodification of pretty much everything under capitalism, and near the end of class, we started to discuss that in the context of education. I think that's part of the reason humanities (and social science) degrees are less popular/encouraged now--education is no longer about becoming a learner or whatever, it's about producing workers/a product for usage in society which leads to the devaluation of non-technical degrees. It's also quite fascinating in the context of the university I chose to attend, which heavily emphasizes technical degrees (such as computer science, engineering, and business), and seems to have applied that mindset to the other degrees it offers, such as mine, as well. But that's an essay for another day.
I have a three day weekend coming up, so I'm hoping to read part of Orlando and an essay by Gramsci that my professor had to cut from the syllabus ("The Organization of Education and of Culture") because it sounds interesting. I enjoy what I have to read for my classes, but it'll be nice to read stuff of my own choosing again (even though it's the same type of stuff that I read for classes).
It's been a little while since I've written a blog post. That's mostly because I don't have much going on in my life except for studying and going to classes, and there's not much to say about that other than I'm frustrated because I don't feel very good at my subject. I'm definitely going to try to continue blogging, but I'm also going to try and mix it up sometimes by writing more essay-style pieces instead of just rehashing events. While I think that the rehashing does serve a purpose (provides insight into college life), I'm not a fan of writing without deeper, more critical thoughts (Fahrenheit 451 scarred sixteen year old me for life... which is an essay for another day) (and yes, this is one of the reasons my shitty-ness at theory bothers me).
On to roller derby: I was introduced to the sport of roller derby through the graphic novel, "Roller Girl," which I read in either middle or early high school. I thought it was really cool, but I couldn't really do anything about my interest because there were no roller derby teams where I lived. The college I go to has a roller derby team, and they were tabling one day, which is how I learned about their bootcamp for people interested in joining. Yesterday, I was able to attend a session and really enjoyed it! Obviously, I'm not playing actual roller derby yet (and won't be for quite a while)--I'm just learning how to skate and play the game in socks.
Most of my body aches at the moment, which I'm guessing is because I don't have strong enough muscles yet for maneuvering my legs in skates for long periods of time. And also, I got hit during the sock scrimmage, but I suspect that's something you get used to. Since it's a contact sport, it does have some risks, but based on my research, it's not extremely dangerous--safety is prioritized (hence my comment about not playing for quite a while), there's a level system in place (can't do xyz until you have xyz skills), and there's a ton of rules (such as, you can only hit what is covered by a t-shirt and you can only hit with your hips/shoulders). Accidents can happen, but it's usually ankle injuries and not brain damage... still not great, but easier to recover from.
The people are very encouraging, and in general, the environment is a lot better than the high school sports environment. I think one of the coaches mentioned that it's just as much of a social club as a sport, and I think it's a community where I could fit in... and, everyone who I've mentioned roller derby to so far has said that it seems like a good fit for me (my best friend, my academic advisor [whose good friend played roller derby], my floormates)--it's definitely a sport for the non-traditional, both athletics-wise and personality-wise. There's no way I'm going to pass this weekend's test to be promoted to the next level (allowed to participate in exercises involving contact) but, I'll get there eventually. All that's left for me to do is figure out how exactly to explain this to my mom.
Even after I started to enjoy English as a class, the study of poetry remained a frustrating holdout. While it had some mysterious allure to it, it was also one of the very few things that I had a tendency to blatantly misinterpret, so, in my anxiety, I avoided it at all costs (which was not that hard to do--I never had a high school class focus on poetry for more than a couple class periods). Now that I'm in a class dedicated to surveying literary history and theory, I am once again gaining exposure to it, and am starting to confront my fear and appreciate it.
In class, we recently read "The World Is Too Much With Us" by William Wordsworth, so, our discussion focused on materialism and nature in an industrial society. It got me thinking about Things again and questioning my life choices. I'm still not sure how to put my feelings exactly into words, but it makes me feel like my life is soulless in some regards. I want to "live authentically," to think, to enjoy the outdoors, to not spend my life endlessly consuming, but I'm not exactly sure how to get there in this society. And I think, this is what makes poetry distinct for me--I do not have these sorts of reactions to prose works nearly as easily. I'm not exactly sure why (perhaps the grandeur of the message in comparison to the limited amount of words?), but I'll keep exploring: maybe I'll be better able to define my feelings, maybe enough of it will cause me to "collapse" and change quickly.
Until then, I'll keep being haunted by words.
For the most part, classes are going well, with the sort of exception being astronomy. The homework is assigned through Mastering Astronomy, which is shitty Pearson (textbook company) software. Honestly, the conceptual problems are usually reasonable, but the math problems make me question everything. It's just... horribly designed. Unlike the conceptual problems, you can't get any hints, plus the math is never explained in the textbook, and better yet, the questions tend to leave out important information and not clarify what exactly they're asking for. It's less of a test of your skills and more of a test of your ability to not bang your head into the wall after re-reading half the textbook chapter, asking your friends (who are also clueless) for help, doing an internet search for some kind of advice (there is none), and finally running out of attempts to solve the problem.
In better news, I finished Trigun Maximum! It took me four-ish months to get through the first six volumes and then I managed to get through the rest of the series in one night. I don't think reading the other eight volumes in one night was the greatest idea, since my brain didn't really process everything that happened, but otherwise, I really enjoyed it. It felt more fleshed out than the anime, though I still think the anime works complementary to it, as there are some key events that are approached differently, but still well in it. I think I'm going to get stuck in a cycle of watching and reading and comparing and contrasting, which should also help me with elaborating on my thoughts and feeling (which is something I struggle with) about the series.
Lastly, I'm finally going to start Postcrossing! I've wanted to do so for a while, but I only now have an address that I can do so with. I just need to acquire some stamps and some postcards.
Last night, I was revising a paper that was due that day, and by the time I finished, it was pretty much 5:00am. I was concerned that if I went to bed, I would sleep through my alarms and miss class, which would cause me to not be able to turn my paper in. So, I did the most logical thing that my brain could think of, by which I mean, I decided to stay up and go to the library. To summarize what came next:
I continued to read Babel by R.F. Kuang and accidentally spoiled the ending for myself → I read a couple of poems for my literary studies class → I thought the Whitman poem was slightly sexual but couldn't tell if it was just the sleep deprivation getting to me → I look up the Wikipedia page for Leaves of Grass → I realize that it wasn't the sleep deprivation getting to me → I get sidetracked and read part of the Wikipedia page for Whitman himself → Somehow, I end up on the Wikipedia page for Moby-Dick → I think it sounds really interesting and would like to read it → It is 6:30am and the only reason I don't buy a copy on Amazon is because I stop and pause and think, "my mom wouldn't approve of this financial decision" → Somehow, I end up on the Wikipedia page for Jorge Luis Borges (I literally don't remember how I got there) → I think his short stories sound really interesting and I would like to read them → The coffee shop opens, so I get an extra intense coffee → I attempt and fail at browsing the library catalog to see if we have his works somewhere on site → I decide to go to the literary studies section of the library and find neither Borges or Melville → I debate whether or not to print a PDF of Borges' collected nonfiction (I decide against it) → I get sidetracked by an introductory book on the field of science studies → I decide to check it out → I remember to print my essay and take a selfie with it because it's my child at this point → I reflect on my life choices → I text my friend about the Akira manga → I nearly take one for the team (no clue who the team is) and buy the 35th anniversary edition (thank god I have no money) → I turn my essay in → I take a seven hour nap.
This is what people mean when they say wisdom and intelligence are different stats for a reason, right?
One of the coolest parts of college so far has been the amount of interesting events that I've had the opportunity to attend. I primarily go to ones hosted by my department and the French department that focus on arts and culture—so far, there hasn't been too many literature-specific ones, but because of that, I've been able to take the opportunity to learn more about other, related subjects such as film and music. As an added bonus, my classes sometimes give me extra credit for attending these events, and there's usually free food (which is significantly better than the usual garbage dining hall food). Some of the events I've attended this semester (plus the food they offered) include:
In other news, procrastination continues to be a pain in the ass (who am I kidding, this isn't news). I'm completely swamped with work as the semester comes to a close, but am having a hard time getting progress made on anything. Which sucks, because I have a short paper and group presentation due next week, plus three final papers due in two-ish weeks. Hopefully I'll get better at not procrastinating as I continue at college, but at the same time, it feels like a weird inherent thing... I want to do the work because I think it's cool, I just can't make myself.